Goodbye Roo

You’re stardust again, Roo. Come back to me in whatever form you like. I’ll know it’s you.

I had been away for a few weeks in Oregon to complete a contract assignment while my husband and Roo were in California.

While I was gone, he had fallen ill with gastritis and then a respiratory infection back-to-back. Then a suspicious looking lymph node with inconclusive findings. Got another biopsy and was waiting on the results. The vet suspected lymphoma. My husband took exceptional care of him and would drain our bank account to take care of him. I wasn’t worried because I knew Roo was in good hands.

I packed up and left Sunday (June 9th) and drove 12 straight hours to get to him. I didn’t realize the severity of his condition until I was finally reunited with him. I laid with him, sang to him, kissed him, and told him how much I loved him. I then told him it was ok if he had to go.

We were about to scoop him up and take him in to euthanize, but we didn’t get to. He took his last breath in my arms and I wailed like I’ve never wailed before. My whole world shattered in that moment.

I am feeling such tremendous guilt from being away and for not getting him to the vet in time. I’m just so afraid he suffered. I hope he knows how much I loved/love him.

How to I cope with this guilt?